The Unseen Wounds of Father Absence: From Childhood to Love and Attachment

Written by Jessica Santos, B.S. in Psychology, M.A. Candidate in Research Psychology

"My father was my first heartbreak."

- a quote from a close friend that inspired today's topic

The existing literature on the impact of negative father-daughter relationships focuses primarily on female sociosexuality (i.e., promiscuity, hypersexuality) with little research focused on how father absence can impact daughters in the complete opposite sense. Have you ever been so "turned off" from men because their behavior reminds you of your father? This post explores how physical, emotional, and behavioral types of father absence can shape the way women experience love and attachment in adulthood.

When examining the impact of fathers who are physically absent from their daughters' lives, I looked at Reuven-Krispin et al.'s (2021) study. They looked at divorce-based father absence that happened before their daughters were 6 years old, and how it affected their well-being and interpersonal relationships as they matured into young adulthood. There were two types of father absence: complete father absence (i.e., no communication with father post-divorce) and partial father absence (i.e., some communication with father post-divorce). These two types of father absence were compared to fathers who were physically present in their daughters' childhood and young adulthood. The study's findings show that young female adults whose fathers were partially absent and not fully involved before age 6 had more mental health problems, felt less intimacy, commitment, and passion in their romantic relationships, remembered their mothers as less caring or more overprotective, and felt less satisfied in their relationships and had a weaker sense of who they are, even when their mothers were caring. In those whose fathers were completely absent, they were more self-critical, and felt their mothers were more controlling and less loving. Interestingly, there wasn't much difference in well-being between those with partially absent vs. completely absent fathers, both groups struggled compared to people who grew up with both parents. Sometimes, having a father who is partially present, rather than completely absent, doesn't actually lead to better outcomes for the child. This might be because the father's presence is inconsistent or unstable, which can still be harmful. Also, in these situations, the child might be more exposed to fights or tension between the parents, especially if the parents have to regularly talk and argue about when the father can see the child. Additionally, the child might feel like they have to choose between their mom and dad, which can create inner conflict. This emotional stress might also make it harder for them to feel secure in romantic relationships or to fully figure out who they are as a person. Perhaps it's not just about being physically present, but emotionally present too. In fact, the deeper impact on a daughter's well-being may come from whether a father truly shows up emotionally. Let's take a deeper dive into this.

Father absence isn't always about someone physically leaving. Sometimes the person is there, but emotionally unreachable. Peyper et al. (2015) look into this truth through the experiences of young adult women raised by emotionally absent fathers. The researchers in this study applied the phenomenological approach to better understand the impact of the personal experiences in terms of their beliefs, perceptions, and judgments. The analysis of the daughters' lived experiences resulted in five subthemes under the first theme of experiencing emotionally absent fathers: difficult to share emotions with father, father neither shows affection nor expresses love, father shows no interest in daughter, lack of trust, and no approval or acknowledgement from father. Some participants expressed their experiences in responses like "If, for example, I shared with him that my boyfriend had upset me he was quick to cut the conversation short by telling me to get rid of the boyfriend. That was his solution, just like that. He would tell me to drop discussions on emotions and emotional trivialities -- 'if your boyfriend doesn't work for you, let him go'", and "I cannot really trust him ... if my father tells me that he's going to do something for me I think 'No, wait, let me rather do it myself'" (p. 129). Could growing up with an emotionally absent father like this create an emotionally avoidant daughter in romantic relationships? To get a better idea on how to answer this question, the second theme, consequences of an emotionally absent father, analyzed 5 subthemes: relationships with other men, struggling to trust other people, low self-esteem, not portraying one's true self because of repressed emotions, and seeking father's approval by doing things he likes. Examples of participant responses included, "At a certain stage my relationship with men was of such a nature that I chose those who were emotionally unavailable or not available at all. [...] To me the ideal partner would be - I needn't give emotionally to you and you needn't give emotionally to me" and "I expected too much of the guys because to a great extent I felt that my life was now evolving around them because they were the only source of that fulfilment - of making me feel that I was now loved and cherished and pampered, all those things that I didn't get from my father. I wanted them to be the centre of my life or else, as I experienced it in myself, my life would be falling apart" (p. 130). Considering the findings of this study, it appears that the biggest impact on young adult daughters and how they behave in romantic relationships stem more from their emotionally absent fathers when taking in consideration the previous study that showed no difference in well-being from physically absent fathers (complete or partial). This type of absence can lead to daughters experiencing self-doubt, emotional distance, or anxious attachment. But whether absent in body or in heart, fathers leave a mark. But what happens when a daughter becomes more than a daughter, and starts acting like the parent?

Parentification is when the child is forced to take on adult responsibilities that are typically expected from the parent (Baggett et al., 2015). This can build resentment and anger from the child, especially in father-daughter parentification, considering the lack of healthy masculinity being portrayed, forcing the daughter to step out of her femininity to adapt to that role, especially if the father was physically absent (either completely or partially) or worse, if they were physically present but just not emotionally regulated causing them to be immature. Baggett and colleagues examined how taking on a caregiving role toward one's father (paternal parentification) is linked to how satisfied and secure college women feel in their romantic relationships as young adults. Being taught healthy boundaries in childhood is essential for children to grow up in a supportive and nurturing environment, especially one that helps them develop a strong sense of identity and understand what they want and need in future relationships and friendships. Unfortunately, this isn't always the reality, especially when generational trauma is at play, shaping our view of relationships through the lens of familiar childhood pain and making it harder to recognize what truly healthy love looks like. This study's findings illustrate this pattern clearly, showing how early role reversals, like daughters becoming caretakers for their fathers, can deeply affect how women experience love in adulthood. When young girls are placed in the role of meeting their father's emotional needs, it can lead to insecure attachment patterns, such as anxiety about being abandoned or emotional distancing to avoid being hurt. These beliefs and behaviors often follow them into their romantic relationships, making it hard to feel truly secure, trust love, or believe they are enough just as they are.

Across all forms of absence, one message continues to echo: when a father doesn't show up in the way his daughter needs, she may spend years trying to feel safe in love again. Understanding where that pain comes from is the first step toward healing and breaking the cycle of generational trauma. Our early experiences do not have to shape our future relationships forever, but they do deserve to be acknowledged. Every person deserves to be seen and understood. Just as importantly, you deserve to understand yourself — your needs, your boundaries, and your desires. You have not yet met all the people who will love you. That is why loving yourself first matters. When someone truly good enters your life, you can grow and thrive together, without losing the parts of yourself that are essential for a healthy and balanced relationship.

You are worthy of safe, steady, and healthy love.

References are available upon request