Why We Blame Others for Our Pain: The Psychology Behind Deflecting Accountability

Written by Jessica Santos, B.S. in Psychology, M.A. Candidate in Research Psychology

"We rarely interact with others without at least some expectations about how they will act or perform."

- Miller and Turnbull (1986)

We form expectations in our relationships, whether we realize it or not. We expect others to show up, care, apologize, or understand us, and when those expectations go unmet, especially in emotionally painful experiences, it hurts. But what if the deeper pain doesn't come from what they did or didn't do, but from how we respond? Instead of looking inward, questioning where those expectations came from or how we're processing our pain, we often look outward and place blame. This is where deflecting accountability begins.

We often talk about accountability as if it's the same as blame, but it's not. At its core, accountability is about owning your actions, reactions, and choices even when you're hurting. The American Psychological Association (2023) defines accountability as "the extent to which an individual is answerable to another for their behavior, decisions, or judgments." Similarly, Merriam-Webster (2025) defines it as "an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions." In other words, accountability isn't about claiming responsibility for things that aren't your fault. It's about stepping into your power by recognizing the part of the situation that you can control, such as your response, your healing, and your personal growth. Taking accountability helps shift your focus from feeling powerless to feeling empowered. It gives you agency to change your future, even if you had no control over the past. By contrast, Merriam-Webster (2025), defines blame as "to hold responsible; to find fault with." Blame is what happens when we point a finger at others, or sometimes even at ourselves, and state that someone caused something bad and should be held responsible for it. When emotions like anger, guilt, or resentment surface, we often respond by blaming rather than taking the more difficult but empowering step of accepting accountability.

Why We Blame Instead of Heal

Blaming others when we're hurt is something many of us do, even if we don't realize it. It can feel safer than sitting with the pain, confusion, or helplessness we're actually experiencing. Cramer (2000) explains that this habit often comes from deep psychological defenses like denial and projection. These are ways our minds protect us from feeling overwhelmed. Instead of looking inward, we push uncomfortable feelings outward and onto other people or situations. While this might help us feel better in the moment, it can also get in the way of emotional healing. If we're always pointing the finger, we might miss the opportunity to really understand our pain and grow from it.

In the aftermath of trauma, this pattern can become even more complicated. Engelbrecht (2014) found that for people dealing with mental disorders (e.g., PTSD), the way we relate to blame and responsibility matters. Some survivors turn all the blame inward, which can lead to shame and self-punishing behaviors as a way of coping with their pain. Conversely, others direct the blame outward, which can feel like a way to protect themselves from the vulnerability of feeling powerless. But here's the thing, healing doesn't come from blame at all. What really supports recovery is building a sense of personal agency: believing that even after something terrible has happened, you still have power over your life. It also helps to have both emotional and practical coping skills to make that power feel real.

Cultural and historical trauma add more layers. For example, Waldram (2013) looked at Indigenous communities still impacted by colonization. Blaming systems that caused harm can be validating and necessary, but if the focus remains only on the past, people can start to feel stuck, as if there's no way forward. Healing, in a cultural and historical sense, is most powerful when it holds both truths: that injustice happened, and that individuals and communities still have the strength to take steps toward their own emotional healing. Generational trauma, while deeply rooted, can begin to shift when space is made for both acknowledgment of the past and empowerment in the present.

In the end, blame is something we reach for when we're hurting because it can feel like protection or a way to make sense of our pain. But holding onto blame can keep us trapped in that pain. Healing begins when we shift our focus away from blaming others and start taking accountability for our own actions and responses. This means recognizing the parts of our lives we still have control over, such as our healing, our choices, and our future, and using that power to move forward.

References are available upon request